Author: neonpinknotes
Story: How NOT To Be Friends With Super Junior
URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/5736/how-not-to-be-friends-with-super-junior-superjunior
Reviewer: Cerebral
H Review/Do Not Read If Under 18!Title: 3/5It’s appealing. I passed by this story before and clicked it but certainly it seems a bit lacking. Maybe it’s because of the similarity to other story titles it has.
Or maybe it’s too long for the lazy people to actually read.
However, your title seems to be irrelevant to the story.
Forward/Description: 5/5I liked it, it’s mature and did keep me reading onto chapter one. However it still sort of feels like any other regular smut story. Variety is always best~ It’s never just a smut story! You can always add your own flavor.
Plot/Originality: 10/15TBH, I read part of the first chapter and left :( Probably because I was confused as to what you were doing with this story. (Egah me and going offtopic) Anyway, I could grade on plot but smut just completely…it’s like a fraction of 1000000 to something. But I’ll have the say the little bits of plot you have is very fantastic.
And how you, as an author, don’t have to put rape into a story to make it forceful. I mean the boyfriend thing and both of them being utterly comfortable with sex? It may not be the most realistic relationship but it’s certainly plausible in its own way. And that part leading to her sexual urges a bit more ‘realistic’
Sigh so disappointed in you. (I write the reviews as I go :/)
Moreover Sungmin technically doesn’t even need to rape the girl…even though I didn’t really read it, her personality is enough for me to go, why?
Flow: 10/10Certainly kept me reading for awhile. It’s a consistent flow that doesn’t drag on boring details. You get right to the point.
Characterization: 7/10You sort of? Give them their own personalities. But it seems to be entirely based on their outer image(not the pervert part -.-)
The girl is basically sexy Mary Sue, as in the Mary Sue of smut stories. Actually I can’t even be sure about that since you don’t even give out her appearance.
Imagery: 5/15It’s not really breathtaking. Imagery is what I believe the biggest deal of any smut story getting its way. Your smut is basically regular smut, smut you can find in many H stories. Maybe a little better but not by too much. Why? You don’t seem to appeal to the five senses enough. The lust in another’s eyes, the sweat, the shivers, the smirks. In a way it’s not just stick the penis in and take it out when you’re done. How to say- I really can’t give an example since I don’t think my smut is so good to qualify -.-
Just Shisus girly, if you don’t put in foreplay how will the readers ‘foreplay’
Eh I’ll just give you examples from my stories anyways.
“Eunchae grabbed the fork as she waited for Seulong to settle down. She picked at a piece of the steak, sticking it in her mouth as she leaned forward. Her dress caught onto the edge of the table, pulling it down a little, making her bra a bit visible for the man to see. She grasped onto his hand in the middle of the table, moaning as if the steak was heavenly. “This is really good, Oppa.” She licked off the sauce on the fork, smiling.
“Really?” Seulong gently held Eunchae’s hand back, his hands a little damp.
“Mmhmm,” Eunchae pressed the fork to her bottom lip eagerly, “what should we do after this?”
“Should we do-it again?” Seulong wriggled around in his seat awkwardly, looking at the magnificent being in front of him. He bit his thumb, summoning up his courage as he got up from his chair. He grabbed Eunchae and lifted her up into his arms. He knew enough that this woman was his, clearly his.
Eunchae slipped out of her dress in one go, placing kisses onto the older man. She leaned up, placing traces of saliva as she pressed her goodies against Seulong. She didn’t know too much about what the man wanted; she could only trust her instincts and the moans the man suppressed whenever he bit his lip. She smiled as he stopped in the middle of his tracks when she licked at his protruding Adam’s apple. Quite the oddest place to be so sensual at. She dipped at his apple in circles, smiling as his grasp on her shoulder tightened. Eunchae took the chance to dip down with her legs, wrapping them around his abs. Wishing she was just a bit taller so she could dry hump the man to his heavens. He was a little too sensitive and never came before the young girl. Seulong backed up onto the hallway’s wall, losing his balance as he moaned. Eunchae had started to grind herself against his abs; his shirt had found its way up and too; had Eunchae’s dress. Her wet cavern left its mark against his abs, the friction of cloth to skin excited Seulong, his erection slightly touching Eunchae’s thigh.
“Haahh.” Seulong slid down from the wall, his grips tight on Eunchae. He took in her banana scent, regaining his conscience a bit. He placed her gently beneath him, taking action as he took off her bra, a white piece of paper placed neatly in the middle of the two milky plumps. “What’s this?” Seulong grasped the paper, trying to unwrap it with one hand as he grabbed one of the plumps with the other hand. His tongue flicking at the other plump. His eyes looked up lustfully at the sweaty sight in front of him. His groaned as he sucked her nipple, grinding his manhood against her leg.
Eunchae grabbed the paper out of his hands, placing it underneath her back. She remembered one of her two last two tips. She grabbed Seulong’s hair, trying to control the heat pooling into her lower abdomen.
“Talk dirty to me baby! Is a wish every man wants fulfilled? Men do it all the time, take a lesson, lean in close and whisper those "naughty" words in his ear and watch his expression. This works best in a public place it not only turns a man on it creates a sense of excitement and danger of getting caught.”
Eunchae lightly pushed Seulong away, frowning as the cold air hit at the wet spots on her chest, the saliva dripping god knows where. She leaned into his ear as she grabbed his manhood, smirking. “I’m going to make you feel good tonight. Tomorrow is going to be even better.” Eunchae traced her finger up his manhood, and back down to the waistband. She yanked down the two cloths that were in her way, saliva dripping down the edges of her mouth when she looked at the hardened glory in front of her. She bent down awkwardly, already sitting on the floor. Her tongue traced the top of his manhood, dripping with precum. She took the tip of his manhood in, as if trying to memorize it. She took in the whole thing all at once when she heard the man’s moans. Her tongue lapped at his balls whenever she pumped him with her tongue.
Eunchae’s hands desperate tugged off her underwear, unable to handle the pounding sensation in her lower regions. She dipped two of her fingers in, pushing them in and out but still not very satisfied. Her lips released the manhood with a pop as she looked hungrily at Seulong, mewling as she licked at his neck, a kitten desperate for her milk. His hands found their way around her waist, allowing no time wasted as he dropped her onto his manhood like the Supreme Scream. He kissed her hungrily while moans escaped from the two at each ‘in’. Their hands roamed around each other’s bodies at each slap. Eunchae clamped at his hair as fluids gushed out of her, her walls clamping around his manhood as he spurt, too, hitting harshly at her walls. Eunchae scraped her fingers down his back as the moment passed over the two. She collapsed on her back, feeling the paper under her. Her hands dug behind her, pushing the paper a foot away.
Eunchae climbed back onto Seulong as the paper unrolled itself, reading just a simple sentence.
“You're one in a million; don't try to be someone else!””Well anyway, foreplay leads on the reader, and basically their character’s climax is the readers own ‘climax’. If the reader isn’t prepped, how will they enjoy it?
Grammar/Format: 9/10Your grammar is pretty good, your POV is consistent. There’s mistakes, but every makes them. Try to go forth with your vocabulary if you want to go somewhere with your story writing.
Ending: -/1049/70 = 70 pctP.S. You’re always subscribed by the same people that subscribes to me. Always amusing to see your story name there xD
I stopped at chapter 7, uncomfortable. Forgive me, I tried my best at this review though, but there’s only so long I can do.
Title: Don't Touch My Ass
Author: rukiblood
Reviewer: perfection_means_nothing
Note: The author/s should know that I have nothing against him or her. I apologize if you find my review quite harsh or mean. Please know that I have been honest the entire time and I am doing this to improve your writing skills. Thank you for requesting from Caramel Esque.
Title - 5/10 Your title matches the mood of the story, but I am quite bored when I saw it. You made me yawn for like 5 times.
Appearance - 3/10The poster colors are too dull for this kind of story. It kinda reminds me of how cheap Lady Gaga's new album looks like. Blegh!
Forewords - 4/10Not very dragging, I have to say. Too plain here and there.
Plot - 14/20 There's that weird twist I always look forward to everytime I read FFs. That's probably the only thing I like in this story.
Orginality - 15/25Not original and I've seen this more than 18 times this month.
Flow - 11/15Nice and smooth. Nice. But I have to admit that you lost me in the first paragraph.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary - 14/25I don't point out errors and all, but I appreciate how you used font colors and other options here. You used italic to make the text less boring than it was already. Call me picky because I barely care, but I saw some wrong spacing there. You chopped the sentences perfectly, and that's what writers miss often.
Characterization - 6/10You made those people seem human enough. I like it.
Writing Style - 2/5Like I mentioned already, I liked how you used font options to make it less boring. But I didn't exactly like how you used center for the letter Jessica sent.
Overall Enjoyment - 3/10I have no sense of humor, so I didn't enjoy it. But I did like the twist there.
Total - 77/140
